January 4, 2013

• More of the Wichita Eagle's best Opinions of 2012.

  Wow. You know you live in Podunk, Kansas, when the big news of the week is the grand opening of a Chick-fil-A.

  I thought I led a boring life until I saw the crowd waiting for Cabela’s to open its doors. Unbelievable.

  Welcome to our strange world. In the 1960s, cars were huge and people were not. Now, people are huge and many of the cars have gotten smaller.

  Question: What is the Kansas state tree? Answer: An orange road construction cone.

  So in this term, is Obama again going to blame it on the guy who had the job the previous four years – himself?

  Mitt Romney looks like a president. Rick Santorum looks like a grocery-store manager.

  Re-electing Obama would be like skydiving at night without a parachute. The end is certain, but most won’t see it coming.

  Election 2012 boils down to “Hope and change” versus “I hope he fails.” See you at the polls.

  I read that there are an estimated 15 uncontacted tribes living in the Peruvian jungles, totaling about 12,000 to 15,000 people. Does the Democratic National Committee know about this?

  How amazing it is that the folks who want to deny choice to buy jumbo soft drinks are the same folks who want unrestrained choice to have abortions.

  If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education, and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

  So Larry the Cable Guy is going to play Wichita. We are complete.

  No one is more unreachable than someone with a cell phone.

  There are two basic differences between the Republicans and the Democrats. The Democrats search tirelessly for ways to spend your money. The Republicans, on the other hand, search tirelessly for ways to spend your money. I think I’ve made my point.

  Koch Industries is adding 300 jobs without incentives? Is this legal?

  I’m a Republican. I have a vision that the next law proposed by Brownback will be to change the Kansas state song to Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred.”

  Has anyone ever seen Newt Gingrich and Susan Boyle in the same room at the same time?

  As an unpaid consultant for the Mitt Romney campaign, Kris Kobach is earning every penny he’s worth.

  One of the few good things about being an old geezer is how other old geezers acknowledge me with a “howdy,” a nod of the head, and a knowing look that says, “Hey, buddy, we both got through it, didn’t we?” Somehow that makes having gotten through it all worthwhile.

  God has only made two mistakes: Allowing mankind to invent basketball and golf.

  The Republicans are getting in more trouble with the idea of invading women’s bodies than they did by invading Iraq.

  Politicians, like fishermen, are born honest. But then they get over it.

  I think we should have cleavage day at the Wichita River Festival to celebrate the gift that nature has given us. We could give out booby prizes.

  The White House is currently the place where the grapes of wrath are stored.

  TV should be required to list the ingredients of the programs, just like packaged food. For example, a news program should list: ads, 40 percent; weather, 25 percent; sports, 20 percent; and news, 15 percent.

  The reason God made dogs is that he wanted to make something good after he failed on humans.

  One version of “The Scream” just sold for nearly $120 million. My face looked like the picture when I heard that.

  Do some people not look in the mirror when they put on that form-fitting T-shirt? It may have worked 20 years ago, but it does not now.

  Using President Obama’s fuzzy math, your wife tells you she will probably gain 15 pounds on vacation. When she only gains five pounds, she’ll tell you that she lost 10 pounds.

  Like the state of Kansas, I have been having trouble making ends meet lately. Like the state of Kansas, I guess I should ask my boss for a pay cut. Less is more, right?

  Thanks to our intrepid Legislature, we no longer have to fear imposition of the laws of the Netherlands or Argentina by our state courts. Now if we could only get it to ban travel to Mars by left-handed individuals over Labor Day weekend, we could all rest easy.

  Twenty-five years of experience as a businessman do not prepare someone to be president any more than 25 years as a barber prepare someone to be a priest.

  Why is it when the Democrats run out of answers, they blame it on the previous administration?

  Why is it when Republicans run out of answers, they blame poor people?

  If you put the Democratic Party-controlled federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there would be a shortage of sand.

  If you put a Republican-controlled government in charge of the Sahara Desert, the sand would be polluted and Wall Street would be selling sand to investment banks that would go broke.

  Tell your meteorologist to quit looking at radar and to call me. After I hand-wash both cars it will rain within 48 hours, guaranteed.

  All you young people will never know the satisfaction of slamming down the receiver on an old-fashioned rotary dial phone.

  More people seem to be igniting a lot of fireworks, then leaving the resultant mess for others to deal with. They must be Democrats.

  Is it me or are the people of Wichita getting more and more angry every day? Put some chill pills in the water instead of fluoride.

  Don’t use your Bible as a science book. Don’t use a science book as your Bible. How simple is that?

  If male beach volleyball players can have full range of motion wearing shorts, why can’t the women? Put some pants on, ladies, and act like athletes.

  Pay the House and the Senate by the hour.

  It had been so long since we had rain that I had to pull over and get out the owner’s manual to see how the windshield wipers operate on the new vehicle I bought eight months ago.

  Fred Phelps is wrong: God does not hate anyone. God loves everybody, including Fred Phelps. Therein lies but one of the major differences between God and me.

  Am I better off today than I was four years ago? No, and it has nothing to do with Obama. It’s because of my ex-husband, and everyone still thinks he’s the greatest, too.

  Coming soon to a theater near you: “Indiana Jones and the Quest for Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns.”

  If you think jobs are made by jobs bills, then please don’t vote.

  Kids today need to suck it up. I was bullied all the time growing up, and I’m fine. So are my alternate personalities, Floyd and Greta.

  Football announcers who say “That’s the best play I have seen all year” make me wonder where they have been all year.

  College and high school football advances education much like bullfighting advances agriculture.

  It’s obvious that the mass shooters cannot see the “no guns allowed” signs. Shouldn’t a law be passed making these signs larger?

  French fries kill more people than guns.

  Headline for 2013: “Bankrupt and insolvent state of Kansas accepts takeover bid from Koch Industries.”

  President Obama was much more engaged in the second debate. He found out he might lose the big plane in January. It’s the only one his ego will fit in.

  Back in the day, high school kids boycotted the cafeteria food because it was inedible. Now, they boycott for larger portions. Go figure.

  The two presidential campaigns spent nearly $2 billion for a job that pays $400,000 a year. No wonder our federal government is $16 trillion in debt.

  Fluoride, shmuoride. Obviously, since Obama was re-elected, we should be more fearful of the stupid juice that’s in the water around the country.

  Welcome, Mitt Romney, to the scrap heap of Republican presidential candidates. Mr. McCain will be glad to show you around.

  Nothing says Thanksgiving in Wichita like turkey, liquor and a passive-aggressive mother-in-law.

  The definition of a typical Wichita driver: One who leaves where he is 10 minutes late and expects to arrive where he is going 10 minutes early – and tries to rewrite the laws of physics in between.

  The tornadoes had barely lifted back into the clouds when the conservative, anti-federal government politicians had their hands out for federal disaster money.

  Hey, all you Olympic athletes: You did not win that medal. Someone else won it for you.

  I look every morning to see if my picture is on the obituaries page.

  Residents of 50 states have asked to secede from the United States under Obama’s administration? That means seven states are still for him, right?

  In the United States, an affair with a beautiful young woman has cost a four-star general and CIA director his job and reputation. In France, it would have gotten him another medal.

  • 11:47 am
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